The Best of Musicians Changing Light Bulbs

If you decide to hire musicians to change your lightbulbs, you'd better know what you're in for! Here are some things you might see when musicians undertake this simple task.

Q: How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

Q: How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They don't go that high.

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Uhh...Hey man, it like uhhhh dark in here, or somethin'.

Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but you also need a trombonist to keep him from sticking his hand in the socket.

Q: How many clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but she will go through the entire box of bulbs before she finds one she likes.

Q: How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Ten. One to hold the bulb, and nine more to drink until the room spins.

Q: How many violists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to hold the bulb, and four more to turn the ladder.

Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nobody was looking.

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The pianist does that with his left hand.

Q: How many flautists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Ten. One to do it, and nine more to tell her to buy a sterling silver bulb.

How Your Bow Tip Can Fail You

As you play your stringed instrument, you might not be thinking about how fragile your equipment is. My advice is to not think about this in performances. In every bow lies an area that can fail in many ways. If this area does fail, you can have an interruption in your performance, a big repair bill, or a new garden stake. I'm talking about the tip of your bow, where the stick gets thin, and the hair is held by a tiny chunk of wood.

You might notice that on my post Five Funny Fiddle Fails, that 3 of the failures were bow related. Given how bows are put together, its a wonder that any given orchestra concert doesn't feature at least one major bow fail. Your bow is a peculiar mix of the fragile and robust. It is strong in the right ways to withstand several pounds of tension on the hair, not to mention the beating that players inevitably dish out on the delicate stick. It can, however break for no obvious reason. Let's look at some ways that one little area of your bow can let you down.

Hair popping out of the tip is probably the most common and dramatic fail. it usually makes a nice little popping sound with hair flying all over. After all, if you fail, you might as well fail big, right? Here are the big three ways the tip can fail: the plug can come out, the hair bundle can come loose, or the tip plate can break.

A plug can fail if it is cut improperly or from inferior wood. The front of the plug should press the hair against the front of the mortise, and not be able to turn out. See the cut away view of the tip below: there is no room for the plug to turn counter-clockwise out of the mortise. It is like a car along the curb with other cars too close on the front and back. No matter how hard you turn, you will never get out without scraping your bumper. An improperly cut plug may have room to turn, and soft wood can simply crumble, thus leaving the plug able to turn out of the mortise.

Cut away view of the tip

Another path to disaster is the knots coming loose. The bow hair is held in bundles at both ends. The hair can start to fall out one at a time, then as there are fewer hairs, the knot gets looser, and things really break loose. There are many different ways of making bundles, but some are just accidents waiting to happen. I use strong thread and super glue. This one used some rosin and a flame along with a loose knot--not the strongest. There isn't much you can do if the hairs start to fall out like this. If this does start happening, don't pull them out, since it will make the problem worse. Just get it rehaired.

One of the most common issues with the bow tip is the tip plate--the white plastic or bone (sometimes metal) that covers the face of the tip. This plate gives valuable strength to the wood and takes some of the stress of holding the hair in. These can detach from the tip or they can crack. If it does crack, it should be evaluated by a professional to see if replacement is necessary. Very often, problems start with small cracks right beside where the hair comes out. Such cracks can be glued in place, and the bow will still work. In any case, it needs to be strong and stable, or else you risk the hair popping out or damaging the tip of the bow. A drop in a hard floor can also do a number on this piece.

Cracked tip plate: Note the small crack on the top right corner of the hair.

Another dramatic (and sometimes tragic) fail, is the head breaking off. This can happen if the bow has been dropped, and some micro cracks formed in the head. Extreme dryness is a double whammy for the head. When the wood dries out, it gets weaker. In addition dryness makes the hair contract, and if it is not loosened accordingly, it can pull the head off. As a last resort, you should cut the hair off. If the bow is above playing tension, and it will not get any looser, it's time to sacrifice the hair for the welfare of the bow.

Sometimes, there isn't much you can do about your bow failing. Even a bow rehaired by a really good technician can fail. If it does the shop should make it right for you, but no one is going to be quite perfect.

For musicians, the best thing we can do is to avoid abusing the delicate tip. This includes not dropping the bow, and not tapping or hitting anything with the tip. Those physical shocks can damage the tip plate, or jar things loose no matter how well it is put together. These shocks can also weaken the wood of the stick and increase its chances of breaking in the future. It is well to also avoid extremes of temperature and humidity. Wood expands and contracts with climate variations, and that movement can push things apart.

Bows are not that high maintenance, and taking care of one is not exactly rocket science. I hope that by shining light on these types of failures, I have inspired you to better respect the fragility of bows, and that you will better understand the mechanics and structure of your bow.

12 Great Instrument Jokes for Winter

If you've seen my previous post Best Musician Jokes you know that instrument jokes can get pretty rough. With home heating and fireplace burning season coming around, I thought a few jokes themed around firewood, chainsaws, and burning instruments might either warm your heart or just get you steamed. If you're offended, please come back at me with your own!

Q: What's the difference between a violin and a chainsaw?

A: Only one gets sharper as it goes on.

Q: What's the difference between a baritone sax and a chainsaw?

A: Vibrato--unless you hold the chainsaw really still. Then there's no difference

Q: What's the difference between a trombone and a chainsaw?

A: You can improvise on a chainsaw.

Q: What's the difference between a horn section and a chainsaw?

A: The chainsaw might start when you need it to.

Q: What's the difference between a tuba and a chainsaw?

A: One makes toxic fumes, and should only be used outside. The other is used to cut wood.

Q: What's the difference between a viola and a chainsaw?

A: You can tune a chainsaw.

Q: What's the difference between a piccolo and a chainsaw?

A: One will always cause permanent hearing damage. You can buy a quiet electric chainsaw.

Q: What are burning oboes good for?
A: Lighting bassoons on fire.

Q: What do you call a big stack of clarinets?

A: Kindling.

Q: Why is a viola better than a violin?

A: The viola burns longer.

Q: What's the difference between store bought fireplace logs and guitars?
A: Not much. They're both expensive ways to heat your home.

Q: What's the cheapest way to heat your home?
A: Hire a conductor. They blow plenty of hot air.

Well, there you have it. Stay warm!

Jon Paul Bandera Review

Finding a new bow can be a hairy process, but I'll stick to the facts. I'd give more advice and tips, but I have a frog in my throat.

Ahem...

Back in July of 2017, the salesmen from Jon Paul bows came to the shop where I work. It was great to see these wonderful young men again. I always enjoy talking about bows with them, because they are enthusiastic about their product, and rightly so. Nerd sessions with them are great. When I asked them what was new, the guys were excited to show me their new Bandera bow, and I was equally excited to try it. This all wood stick is made from a unique Asian wood that makes a great step up from Brazil wood. It's not pernambuco, but it comes close. I've played my new Bandera extensively, making it my primary bow for a few months. For a bow that retails for well under $350, it's pretty great. In the words of my old teacher, it's "ridiculously good for the price."

So, what's up with this bow?

First of all, the fit and finish, like most Jon Paul bows is quite good. Crisp corners and smooth surfaces abound. The nut turns easily. The stick is also very well shaped and varnished. Looking at the slide underneath the frog, the margins aren't quite even. There is also a little ridge where the ferrule hits the frog. These little issues don't affect the playability of the bow. Jon Paul is probably using inexpensive mass-produced frogs (which have these issues) and mating them to the bows--that's expected for a bow of this price.










The grip is made of a peculiar kind of rubber. It feels OK, but I can't wait to wear mine out and replace it with leather. It's not a deal breaker, though.

One thing that I noticed was that the mortise in which the frog slides is properly squared out. The mortise I speak of is seen near the bottom end of the stick in the picture. These mortises are often cut using a rotary tool, and poor quality bows leave that mortise rounded at the ends. I'm glad to see that extra step taken, since it is an indicator of a better quality bow overall.

The tip is also nicely assembled--a great thing for the future rehairer. Since I rehair bows, I appreciate it!



























You might be asking how this bow plays. It plays quite well. The stick is rather firm and lively. The Bandera is different from my H.R. Pfretzschner, which is soft and feels big and luxurious. The Bandera is quite nimble and negotiates many different strokes well. It also plays the chords of Bach's Chaccone very nicely. I have put my Bandera through its paces, playing three and four note chords in many different dynamics. Even though the Bandera is not as graceful as a great Hill or Peccatte (which would set you back about 40 times what this one costs), the lively stick can provide a student a gateway into more advanced strokes such as spiccato and ricochet.

With the Bandera's firm and responsive stick, I can sustain beautiful lines very nicely. With the right touch, it draws beautiful tones very evenly and cleanly. It holds the player accountable for maintaining a delicate, relaxed touch!

The only thing I don't like is that it doesn't match my violin as well as other bows. My instrument responds very easily, and it likes a softer bow like my Pfretzschner. Even with the mismatch, I can feel the quality of the bow. Many students would be well served by the Bandera, which makes a great step up from the cheaper carbon and Brazil wood bows that come with many student outfits. Would I take this bow out for a solo gig on a major stage? Probably not. I use the Bandera as a workhorse bow to take the load off of my Pfretzschner when I can. For an advancing student, however, the Bandera will keep up and do everything that aspiring player will need.

If you're looking to upgrade your bow, the Jon Paul Bandera is well worth checking out!

I was not paid or compensated for this review, nor was I asked to do it. This post is all facts and my unbiased opinions. Please contact me if you have questions.

Warchal String Reviews

Many violinists struggle to find the perfect strings for themselves and their instruments. Making good sound, however, is the player's responsibility, and no string can turn a bad violinist into a good one. Further, no string can turn a bad instrument into a Stradavarius. Even for a good player with a good instrument, bad strings can create all kinds of frustrations. Notes that stick out or don't speak, wolf tones, and double stops that just will not tune can all be related to strings that aren't doing their job.

All players should understand the place of the string in producing sound. It is, after all, the string that produces the vibrations that get amplified by the instrument. If the string produces unbalanced and distorted overtones, or if it responds with a squeak or scratch, the instrument amplifies these problems, and there's nothing the player can do about it.

Keep in mind, in many instances, the above mentioned problems can be traced to the player, but this is not a pedagogical article. If you are having a specific problem, take it to a teacher or other professional player. Sometimes, an instrument's biggest problem is the person playing it!

Warchal strings have proven themselves worthy of consideration by all players. There is no Warchal string I absolutely hate. Some players might not like them, but no product in the world is universally liked. If you disagree with my findings on Warchal strings, that is OK. You have your likings, and I probably disagree with you!

Enough beginning fluff, let's look at some strings!

Nefrit:
Warchal's Nefrit strings are designed for students and lower-priced instruments. They are the least expensive of Warchal's strings. They have characteristics of much more expensive strings in their sound, feel, and response. The set is unique in that the D and G are synthetic core, but the A is steel. Steel A strings have more brightness than synthetic A's, and smooth out the difference between the high end and the low end of the instrument. On many instruments, the A string can sound dull, and a steel A solves that problem. Warchal knows how to make a steel A pleasantly bright and lively without any harshness.

Nefrits have a pleasant sound with good projection, and sound more like professional strings than typical student strings. They are only a couple of dollars more than many other popular student strings, but they sound more expensive. This set is also suitable for electric violins.

Ametyst:
The Ametyst set is a step up from Nefrit, and along with the Karneol set forms the middle of Warchal's line.

These are synthetic core strings, which means that they need time to stretch out and gain stability. That being said, they do this more quickly than many other synthetic strings. Even right from installation, these strings did not have nearly the metallic sound that I expect from brand new synthetic strings.

In playing, I notice that these strings are low tension, but low tension does not mean low power and slow response. These strings respond crisply and cleanly at the lightest of bow strokes, but they don't "crack" under bow pressure. These strings have a wonderfully bright and clear sound, but they can be nasal sounding on some instruments. Because of their low tension, they are buttery smooth under the fingers. My left hand does not have to work hard to play with these strings.

Karneol:
Much like Ametyst, but mellower and better on bright instruments. On the flip side, they can sound muddy on a dark sounding instrument.

Amber:
Upon taking these strings out of the packages, I was impressed with the craftsmanship of them. The metal windings were clean and smooth, and the silk wrappings at the ends were (like all Warchal products) impeccable. These are good looking strings. The gold spiral on the bottom end adds an elegant touch.

These are among Warchal's flagship strings. Amber strings are possibly the best gut substitute I've found. They have a crisp response, and don't over drive the violin. Their sound is extremely pure with some texture. I have used them on my violin for a couple of years now, and I've been impressed with their longevity. In my experience, when these strings get old, the just go a bit dull and their projection isn't as good. With many other strings, the intonation goes wacky, and they sound very bad--not the case with Warchal Ambers.

Brilliant:
The Brilliant set is Warchal's set for those power hungry players. These are powerful strings with huge projection. As good as these strings look on paper, Warchal missed the mark. I was wondering why they had response issues, then I cut them open. The G has a synthetic core, a thick steel wrapping, and a very thin foil-like silver wrapping on the outside. This is more of a cable than a string--it's so thick. The D is thicker than the G, which brings its own set of issues. Read my previous article, Some Thoughts on Violin Strings, for more information on thickness of strings. Double stops were all but impossible to tune between the Brilliant D and G.

The hydronalium D doesn't respond very well, especially to light bow pressure. It seems to whistle like an E string. Frankly, I expect better from Warhal.

I don't have any experience with the Brilliant Vintage. Maybe they're better.

Even though this review is for violin strings, it's worth noting that I've seen Warchal Brilliant cello strings perform extraordinarily well on certain instruments.

Russian Style A:
This is a great A string, especially for instruments where the upper reaches of the A string are dead. It does not sound metallic like a typical steel string, but it has plenty of power, a pleasant tone, lots of tonal colors, and great response. Despite its thin appearance, the Russian Style A feels very nice under the fingers, and does not sound thin.

Avant Garde A:
This string combines the technology of the Russian style A and the Amber E. It is a steel core string, and it has a helical twist over its entire length. Even when stretched out, you can still feel the twist. In playing, I can see the benefits of the twist. It has a fast response like a steel string, but it has a deep sound. I don't like this string, because the intimation and overtones aren't as precise and true as on the Russian A. I also notice a buzz on certain notes where the twist puts the string too close to the fingerboard. I don't think this string is worth the price.

How to Spot Violin Scams

You can hardly turn on the TV news without hearing about some kind of new scam. The advice is usually to just to hang up when a scammer calls, never give personal information in response to unsolicited communication, never wire money, etc.

Usually the scammer comes to the victim, but i have seen several instances of people literally walking right into a scam, and not knowing it. Welcome to the world of violin dealing.

Before you read further, read the disclaimer below.

DISCLAIMER: I am not mentioning any specific shops or people, and I don't intend to make you believe that all violin dealers are rip off artists. Most people in the trade are fair, honest people who will not try to rip you off or decieve you. Further, this post may not cover all the possible ways you can get duped in a violin deal, as scam artists are always innovating. Sometimes, a bad deal can be an honest mistake, which any good shop will always work to make right.

Online sales sites (for example, Ebay) constitute a great world for scam artists. All you see of the instrument is usually some pictures, and what the seller has to say about it. Sellers sometimes inflate an instrument's credentials, or just plain lie about what it is or where it has been. At this point it is hard to prove what the seller is saying. You simply don't know. If the price is low enough, you might decide to make the wager, and you might come out OK.

A popular Ebay trick consists of a seller colluding with someone else (or using a second account) to place a highly inflated bid on the instrument, only to have it fall through. The seller may tell you that the high bidder had an emergency and couldn't come up with the money. That seller will then let it go to you for a lower price and make you think you got a good deal. If you find yourself on the receiving end of this kind of "miracle," just back away and hold on to your money.

As easy as it is for scammers to do their dirty work online, they can still operate between the four walls of a shop. A salesman can tell you stories about an instrument and sound believable. They will accompany the story with bringing this "special" instrument from deep in the bowels of the shop. There is usually no price tag, and they may just make up a number and a story to match.

Even buying a brand new instrument can be frought with problems. Here there is really no history or provenance that goes into the price, and you will know who built it and when. In fact, you're probably buying it from the maker. It is up to the maker to decide what to charge. I have seen where people have paid way too much for problematic instruments. If the seller will let you take in on trial, bring it to an independent luthier or professional violinist, and ask their opinion on what its worth, and what they think of the sound and construction. Watch out for instruments that are carved down too thin. This makes them sound dark and resonant when new (thus inflating the price), but brings many structural problems down the line. Also, watch for labels that try to make the maker's name or place sound foreign or exotic. That is usually just a trick.

Sometimes, shops misidentify instruments, but some will attempt to deceive. Some shops have been known to insert fake labels into instruments in order to give them provenance that they don't have. It may be impossible to prove that label authentic or not. If the instrument seems old, take the label with a grain of salt, and don't drop a whole lot of money unless you're sure what the instrument is actually worth.

Whether it's an unsolicited phone call, or a violin deal, if you're suspicious, walk away with your money!

Cheap Violins are NOT a Good Deal!

In the violin shop, I see so many people who have purchased a very cheap violin for themselves or their children. I can't even keep track of how many of these instruments I've seen. People think they got a great deal in buying a violin (with a case and bow) for 50 bucks. These "great deals" start to turn sour when the instrument will not stay in tune, the bow doesn't tighten, or something flat out breaks.

One of the biggest issues with cheap violin outfits is the bow. The bows that come in these packages are trouble waiting to happen, They usually have minimal camber (the inward curve the stick), and therefore don't have the strength to make a string vibrate. The hair is the cheapest available, and the craftsmanship is usually substandard. At minimum, a rehair will be necessary to make such a bow playable.

Cheap violins use the cheapest accessories and fittings known to the industry. The biggest problem lies in the pegs and scroll. Cheap pegs made of maple or another common hardwood never hold the string tension on account of their softness. The scroll and pegbox are usually also comprised of some other substandard wood. The pegs are tapered in matching holes, and when they are pushed in, cheap wood just compresses and you don't get the presure necessary to hold the string.

The tailpiece and its fine tuners commonly vex the buyers of cheap violins. The fine tuning mechanism is comprised of a pivoting arm which holds the string, and a screw that moves the arm. Sometimes, the arm comes out of alignment, and the screw no longer hits it. If you notice that the screw is stiff, and turning it doesn't do anything, the arm probably has slipped out from under the screw. High quality tailpieces don't usually have this issue.

Another big problem with cheap violins is the bridge. Sometimes, the bridge isn't even set up. The manufacturer leaves this step up to a novice player who probably doesn't know how to handle a violin yet. Worse still, the bridge feet may not fit the top of the instrument at all, which hinders sound, and might break something if it is bad enough. Yet another problem I see with bridges on cheap violins is that there are no proper string grooves. Many of these instruments have the strings unevenly spaced across the top of the bridge, which results in major playability issues. I still haven't mentioned that cheap bridges are made out of the worst wood, and will definitely warp or break at some point.

The strings that come with most cheap outfits can do no justice to any instrument. They will sound metallic and squeaky, and they will probably break. I bought a cheap outfit for myself (if it gets damaged at an outdoor gig, it's not a big deal) and all the strings broke within a year. I replaced them with strings that I burned up on my concert instrument, and they sound better than the originals!

Before you buy a cheap violin, consider the extra cost associated with getting it fixed to make it playable. You will be well served to spend a little more upfront and not have to deal with the hassle and cost later. It can be frustrating for a new violinist to deal with an instrument that plays horribly and doesn't hold pitch at all. As a violin technician and an experienced player, I can deal with pretty much anything one of these cheap violins can throw at me, but someone with no experience will have a lot of trouble.

On the bright side, the case is usually servicable.

When purchasing a violin, it is well to go to a specialized string shop. There are many different shops around the United States, so most people will have one within a reasonable distance. It is great to talk to someone face to face who has knowledge of the field. If you must buy online, buy from a reputable violin retailer such as Shar Music. Chances are, the lowest price you find on Amazon or Ebay is simply not a good deal.