Best Musician Jokes

Musicians love to make fun of each other, and this has given way to many great jokes. This post barely scratches the surface of this body of humor, but the jokes presented here are the best of the best. If you are offended by any of these jokes, please come back with your own in comments below!

Here we go!






A violist walks into an orchestra rehearsal and sees a violinist with a shiny stainless steel bottle. The violist asks "what's that bottle you have there?" The violinist says "it's a thermos bottle; it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." After the rehearsal, the violist quickly runs to a store and buys his very own thermos bottle. He proudly brings his new purchase to the next rehearsal. The violinist says to the violist "hey, I see you got yourself a thermos bottle. What do you have in it?" The violist says "coffee and a popsicle."

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A 'C', an E-flat, and a 'G' go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished: the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not A minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural. Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

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Q: How many second violinists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: They don't go that high.

Q: What is the difference between a violist and a shopping cart?
A: A shopping cart might have a mind of its own.

Q: What is cluster harmony?
A: A bunch of french horns trying to play in unison.

Q: What is the difference between an E-flat clarinet and a deranged chicken?
A: One makes loud, squaking, unmusical sounds, and the other is a bird.

Q: What is a burning oboe good for?
A: Lighting bassoons on fire.

Q: What is the difference between a conductor and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathizers.

Q: What did the violist get on his SAT?
A: Drool.

Q: What is the best piece for a solo viola?
A: John Cage's "4:33"

Q: Did you hear about the bass section being so out of tune the conductor noticed?
A: Neither did I.

Q: What is the best way to keep a violin from being stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.

Q: How are pirates, sopranos, and trumpet players alike?
A: They're all terror on the high C's.

Q: What is another name for a trombone?
A: A wind-driven, manually-operated, pitch approximator.

Q: What are the most dangerous words ever spoken in an orchestra rehearsal?
A: Trombones, please play that louder.